Tips for Anti-Equal Marriage campaigners

Dear Anti-Equal Marriage proponents: When you insist on arguing against a position that has the overwhleming high ground from a social justice point of view, not to mention majority support from a population, you begin to sound much like this goat.

It's uncanny, really.

So I've got a few tips for you to make this whole equal marriage debate less of a PR nightmare for everyone involved.

• Stop referring the 'Gay Agenda' like it's a thing. Literally everyone knows that there is no such thing as a gay agenda. Repeating it a million times will not make it so, it will only make you sound like a crazy person.

Dramatisation

• Stop pretending that you, personally, have no issue with homosexuals, but are just not convinced of one of the following things: (a) it's the best environment to raise children, (b) it's an important issue when compared to other things like the economy, (c) that the end result doesn't justify the huge job of altering the law, and so on and so forth. Because when you do that, you will invariably use the phrase, 'Look, a lot of my friends are gay! I'm not homophobic!'. This is a falsehood. Allow my friend, Mr Rex, to illustrate just how ludicrous this sounds.

I'm not dinnerphobic!

• You are also not Mrs Lovejoy. Everyone has already thought of the children. The children are fine.
• Most importantly, please stop repeating the problem back to me when I ask why it can't be changed. The conversation winds up going in circles, and nothing is accomplished. Thusly:

Prime Minister! Why do you not support changing the definition of marriage?

"Because I believe the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman."

Okay, but we are asking if we can change that. Please?

"But the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman, so no, we can't change it."

But why can't we?

"We can't change the definition because the definition is between a man and a woman."

There! A few simple tips that will really help raise the level of discourse from nonsensical bleating to something meaningful and constructive. I hope you've found this guide useful, and that you enjoy your newfound ability to converse with your fellow humans.

I, for one, am looking forward to the brave new world of logical debate and sound reasoning informing just social policy decisions.

I'm also looking forward to this.